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| Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
by Charles C. Finn
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet. | | |
|  heyyy guys! i hope you had a fantastic new years, just as i had! i went to my friend's house, and lets just say that i got buzzed. haahha. she, on the other hand, got wayyyy drunk and just passed out on her couch. hahha. 
my absolute favourite picture from new year's night! this was when taryn started getting buzzed. hahaha. she doesnt even remember taking this picture, and she was the one who held the camera! haha 
hahaha. and of course, me camwhoring after getting myself all dolled up because i thought that i was supposed to be alone new years night. i mean, i had to look pretty for new years, right? hahaha. my resolutions: 1] get good grades 2] get into shape 3] stop cussing so much 4] get me a flatter stomach! haha. i dont know how ill so the second and fourth ones, but im sure that ill do just fine! haha. hope you all have a fantastic 2007. enjoy. be merry. be happy. | | |
| Oh, Talya. Since you did it, I should too, right? hahaha. Full Name: Carly Trixilyn Cancio Veneracion
Nicknames: asian, trixi, ugh-it's-you-again [haha],crazy asian
Age: 15
Birthday: November 10
Star sign: Scorpio
School: Cleveland HS, Santa Monica College [just a class]
Siblings: Camille, Jovi, and Carlo
Single/Taken: single fa sho!
Hair: plain old dark brown
Eye Colour: brown
Shoe Size: 5.5
----------------Favourites-----------------
Shampoo: Herbal Essences
Soap: Dove
Colour: Navy Blue, Gray, Crimson, Dark Green
City: as of now, London. But i love my L.A.!
Cartoon Character: Scooby-Doo.
Drink: Thai tea
Alcoholic Drink: mhmmm. Screwdriver. :]
Food: Italian, Japanese, Chinese
Movie: ughh. too many to name. Sixteen Candles; Harry Potter series... etc.
Ice Cream: Haagen Dazs coffee
Subject: English, as of right now. too much essays though. haha
Animal: i have no idea
Sport: volleyball. :]
Person: Natalie, Kevin, Juliet, Lena, Freshta... ughh! i could go on!
Girls Name: Rylie Evan
Boys Name: Landon; Dustin
Movie Star: Jude Law. :]
TV Show: One Tree Hill; The O.C.; Law and Order:SVU
Artist: So many! Something Corporate; This Providence; Daphne Loves Derby; Puddle of Mudd; Funeral for a Friend; The Beautiful Mistake
Song: Konstantine - Something Corporate; Blurry - Puddle of Mudd
Music:rock
Shop: Hollister.
Pizza topping: mushroom. :]
Does your name mean anything?: not as far as i know
Were you named after anyone? hahaha. My mummy named me after her transexual high school teacher [girl turned boy, and his name when he was a girl was Trixilyn]
Height: 5 ' 1"
Innie or Outie? Innie
Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous? Righty
Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other: Straight
Do You Have...
Any pets: nope
A Personal phone number: of course
A leather jacket with studs on it?: haha no
A Pool or hot tub: yes and yes, [though my hot tub needs to get fixed pronto!]
A Car: ughh. not yet!
Describe Your...
Personality: enigmatic. you have to know me well to understand me
School: ughhh. Overcrowded.
Bed: i hate it. but its soft. :]
What Is/Are/Was...
On the walls of your room: plain white, but i have this picture of me and Juliet hanging on my wall, and i plan on painting it gray soon.
Your dream date: picnic on the beach under a starry sky
Your dream honeymoon spot: haha. i have no idea. somwhere new.
Your dream husband/wife: ughh. too many to name!
Physical appearance
What do you most like about yourself: eyes?
How many fillings do you have?: two
Do you think you're good looking?: ehhh. i can do better
Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: hahahahaha
Do you have any friends that are girls that you think are good-looking: of course! juliet and lena. gorgeous!
Have You Ever
Tried To Kill Yourself: no
Thought About Killing Yourself: yeah
Called 911: nope
Wished You Were Someone Else: who hasnt?
Do You
Have A Job: as of right now, full-time student
Have A Messy Room: of course! :]
Like To Dance: hahaha nope
Like To Sing: ehhh,
This Or That (can't say both)
Rock or Rap: Rock
Pink or Purple: Pink
Messy or Neat: Neat
Hugs or Kisses: hugs
TV or Books: Books
Comedy or Horror: Comedy
Casual or Dressy: casual
Dolphins or Monkeys: Monkeys
Heres What..
I Know: nothing about boys
I want: that poofy jacket from Hollister
I wish: money
I Have: my hair in a high ponytail
I Hate: waking up early for anything!
I Miss: the good ol' days
I Fear: wild animals
I Hear: Mae playing on my iTUNES
I Search: google for random shit
I Love: my mummy!
I Always: forget things
I Dance: like a drunk person
I Cry: to let out frustration
I Can Usually Be Found: in my room, in bed
I need: to start my homework
Do you hate more than 3 people? No
How many houses have you lived in? four
Do you own a Britney Spears CD? hahaha. yes!
Have you ever thrown up in public? i dont think so
What is the most embarrassing CD you own? NSYNC cd's
Are you sarcastic? sure
Spring or Autumn? autumn!
Pepsi or Sprite? pepsi
What was your first pet? a dog
Are you too forgiving? i think i am
Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? never ever
Are you closer to your mother or father? mum fa sho! :]
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| ok you know what! this is total crapola! i just wrote this whole blog entry and it disappeared! bahh! whatever... sorry thomas! i love you like crazy and i miss you too! same goes for piper and kevin and cousin matt and lena and rena! haha... that rhymed. well, i am totally stressing because like i have this bio thing due in two weeks and i havent even started it yet! bahhh! this majorly sucks! ok.... ill update more tomorrow... this goes out for anyone cool enough to read this entry.... DONT DO DRUGS!! only hookah! hahaha... | | |
| okay rena here's the deal you know a shitload of things about me and i am sooo glad that its you and no one else... i love you sooo much! school has been really eh.... we're having finals so its just a big WTF am i supposed to know week. gahh! man, i hate this! matt's in the hospital for reasons unknown cause he hasnt told us shit except for that fact that he's just in the hospital... omg... he has missed soo much school...
i miss lena and juliet and thomas and rena and kevin sooooooooo much its ridiculous... i havent seen them all in the longest time and its driving me absolutely mad!!
valentines day is fast approaching and its just sad... no one to call my own valentine... i shall make my mother my valentine... hahahaah... im soo lame
i need to go on a vacation! too bad spring break isnt until like two months from now... gosh.....
anybody that wants to set me up for valentines day is welcome to... at least i'll have something to do!! hahaha :) | | |
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